I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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