Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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