I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
