You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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