Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
