shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
it hurts more in the daytime
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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