I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
