I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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