CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
