i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
