youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
