I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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