Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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