Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
