Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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