i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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