when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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