he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
