as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
