Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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