Umm I'm too high to move.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
