I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
