dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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