I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
