Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
