Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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