Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
