All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
