I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
