I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
