I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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