wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
