I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
