I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
