You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
