like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
