he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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