no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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