People in love make me want to vomit
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Randomize
