That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
