I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
