They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
