Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Is that strawberry winking at me??
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
