I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
This baby is an asshole
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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