When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
