guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Are we still banned from the library?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
