i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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