Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
