it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
