I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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