and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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